Who, and What, Is a Rabbi?

Recently, someone called my attention to a piece written by a "rabbi", who had been outed as having a purchased ordination, as well as other shady financial and sexual connections,. He argued that "it doesn't matter. i have an ordination. No matter what I do or don't do, know or don't know, I'm as much a rabbi as anyone else". Really?!?!
In the Torah, Moses is commanded to ordain Elders as judges, and to ordain Joshua as the next leader of the people. This is the basis of the rabbinic court system, outlined in Deut. 17:8-13. This ordination, called smichah, was in practice from the time of Moses, until the 4th century, when brutally suppressed by the Byzantines. This ordination empowered the holder to be part of a court, administering all facets of Torah law, as well as ruling in all doubtful areas of application of the Torah. Although the title "Rabbi" ("teacher" or "master") didn't come in until the first century, the institution is Biblical. When it died out, or, more correctly, was snuffed out, the chain ended. RAMBAM spells out how it can be re-instituted, but all efforts in this direction have, so far, met with little or no success or acceptance.
Even when smichah was in force, there were many scholars, accepted universally, who did not have it. They were teachers, preachers, inspirational figures. They either had no title, or took one that indicated that they were no part of the chain of ordination. Without that formal smichah, many areas of the Torah could no longer be enforced, particularly in the judicial area. Nevertheless, unordained scholars were chosen by communities to give them guidance in accordance with Torah. Being a recognized scholar, having the character traits of one, and being accepted as such by a community made one a rabbi in the post-smichah era.
In 14th century Germany, a great scholar was troubled by the phenomenon of charlatans, passing themselves off as scholars, being accepted as rabbis in smaller communities, where there was no one knowledgeable enough to expose them. He instituted a program of "smichah", albeit not in the classical sense, which would have him, and other recognized scholars, certifying young, would be rabbis, as suitable for employing as such. This became universal in Ashkenazi communities, but generally not accepted in Sepharadic communities until the 20th century.
In the late 18th century, the custom became in East European communities, that a would-be rabbi would receive a "smichah" at his yeshiva upon completing an appropriate course of study. He still would not be considered qualified, until he then apprenticed under an accepted community rabbi, learning how to apply the vast sea of learning to practical, every-day community situations. After a few years, the scholar would give his personal letter of ordination to the young rabbi, thereby qualifying him to serve a community on his own. It is important to note that being a synagogue rabbi was really an American innovation, now followed in many other places. Historically, one was a rabbi of a community, overseeing the school, the mikveh, the kosher food facilities, and more. If there were ten synagogues in the city, he was in charge of all. This is still true in Israel and several other countries.
In the mid and late 20th century, the unfortunate situation arose where many rabbis despaired of the Jewishness of outlying, unknowledgeable communities. Many would ordain rabbis as a favor to help them have a job, avoid military conscription, and other non-Torah considerations.This was particularly true in America, where early twentieth century rabbis often felt that they were dealing with a lost cause. Mainstream organizations began to emphasize hiring only rabbis who had ordination from recognized yeshivot. Although all knew that a private smichah might be as good, or even better, than an institutional one, how would the average congregation know which was real, and which wasn't? As the gap between the knowledgeable and the unknowledgeable continues to grow, especially outside major Jewish communities, the phenomenon of smichot given for two week seminars (!!) or even non Jewish institutions, is becoming more and more a problem. The Universal Life Church, founded in the 1960s more or less as a tax-evasion scheme (ordination free for life. Once it was mail order, now on line), now bestows the title "rabbi" as well! Are these people rabbis? Does this signify knowledge of, and commitment to, the Torah?
In non-orthodox circles, ordination is given on the basis of knowledge of history, psychology, philosophical and theological concepts, rather than halachah (law) which is only taught minimally.
So, as to the "rabbi" I began my story with, I won't consult him on areas of Judaism; I'll limit myself to "I'll have fries with that, please".