How I wish that we lived in a world where everyone lives "happily ever after". The reality is that we are human, with all the flaws that come with that status. The Torah, therefore, stipulates a procedure of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1). There is a debate in the Talmud as to what are the grounds for divorce. The conclusion is that if there is disharmony and a lack of willingness to stay together, that is sufficient. The wife is protected by the stipulations of the Ketubah, as I wrote previously. By law of the Torah, the divorce is in the husband's hands. However, if a wife is being abused or otherwise treated unjustly, the rabbinic court can, and should, force the husband to grant a Bill of Divorce ("get"). Sadly, the secular authorities do not grant the rabbinic courts the power to force the husband to give the "get", which often leads to the very tragic situation of "Agunah"; a "chained woman", who is bound to her former husband and cannot remarry. This is sometimes because of spite, sometimes as a means of extortion. A recent case of rabbis using strong-arm tactics to get a recalcitrant husband to grant a get, resulted in several rabbis being incarcerated in Federal prison. Even in Israel, the State does not grant the rabbinic courts the right to force a "get". People wind up blaming the rabbis, which, in my opinion, is most unfair and unjust. (I have described elsewhere a controversial possible solution to this problem, that is now being employed by some rabbis).
When there is mutual agreement for divorce, the couple will approach the Beit Din. If all financial issues have been resolved, it is a simple procedure. If not, arbitration will be necessary. In most cases, these issues have already been resolved in the secular courts. It is important to note that just as marriage is a spiritual, Torah concept, and we in no way recognize the state's civil union that they call marriage, so divorce is totally a religious procedure. As far as Judaism is concerned, a civil divorce has no meaning or efficacy whatsoever. Reform Judaism has no get ceremony. Conservative has traditionally had a valid get ceremony, but, sadly, an "alternative" ceremony is also now made available, in which the couple fill out a postcard, authorizing the giving and receiving of a get without either being present. Although a proxy get can be valid, there are numerous halachot surrounding this procedure, which are not met by the new ceremony.
The entire ceremony takes about an hour. The couple appears before the Beit Din, and express their desire for a divorce. The husband instructs the scribe to write a Bill of Divorce (called in the Torah "A book of dissolution", and in rabbinic literature a "get"). The scribe serves as his agent. The "get" clearly identifies the date of the divorce, the place of the divorce. (Country names are not included, as these often change after wars. The name of the city is written, with the names of the bodies of water that serve the city, so as not to confuse cities with similar or identical names.) The 'get" is written in the husband's name "I, so and so (all nicknames are included for positive identification, in this case, and in the case of all names in the "get") son of so and so, do hereby say to you who were my wife, so and so daughter of so and so, this is your book of divorce, scroll of separation, document of departure. This is being written without compulsion. You are hereby completely free, with full power over yourself, and may marry any man whom you shall choose, with no man having a right to object. This has full power and efficacy, in accordance with the Law of Moses and Israel". (I once was in a Beit Din for a "get" in which the husband was a former District Attorney. He asked me to translate it for him. He said "that is the most perfect legal document I have ever heard"..Two witnesses must hear the command to write the "get", see its writing, and sign below. They must also witness his presentation of the "get". The man then says to the woman "this is your "get". Receive this get, and be divorced from me from right now". He then places the "get" in her hand. She takes the get and walks out of the room, in order to show that it is her property. She then returns to the room. The rabbis check that it is the same document, and make a tear in it to show that it is already in force. The Beit Din will keep the actual "get" on file, while giving each party a document stating that they have gone through the appropriate procedure and have no further obligations to each other. Interestingly, the rabbis say "Mazal Tov" (congratulations!) to the former spouses, as the dissolution of an unhappy marriage is also a cause for celebration. The couple is reminded that the option of remarrying each other remains, unless the husband is a Kohen, for whom a divorcee is forbidden by the Torah. Although the divorce is efficacious immediately, the woman is instructed not to remarry for at least 91 days, in order to ascertain if she is pregnant, and establish paternity. Occasionally there are complications (for instance, if the two refuse to be in the same room, in which case proxies are appointed to give or receive the "get"). There is no religious stigma attached to giving or receiving a "get', although society is not always as kind. May all marriages be happy, with full love and respect!
When there is mutual agreement for divorce, the couple will approach the Beit Din. If all financial issues have been resolved, it is a simple procedure. If not, arbitration will be necessary. In most cases, these issues have already been resolved in the secular courts. It is important to note that just as marriage is a spiritual, Torah concept, and we in no way recognize the state's civil union that they call marriage, so divorce is totally a religious procedure. As far as Judaism is concerned, a civil divorce has no meaning or efficacy whatsoever. Reform Judaism has no get ceremony. Conservative has traditionally had a valid get ceremony, but, sadly, an "alternative" ceremony is also now made available, in which the couple fill out a postcard, authorizing the giving and receiving of a get without either being present. Although a proxy get can be valid, there are numerous halachot surrounding this procedure, which are not met by the new ceremony.
The entire ceremony takes about an hour. The couple appears before the Beit Din, and express their desire for a divorce. The husband instructs the scribe to write a Bill of Divorce (called in the Torah "A book of dissolution", and in rabbinic literature a "get"). The scribe serves as his agent. The "get" clearly identifies the date of the divorce, the place of the divorce. (Country names are not included, as these often change after wars. The name of the city is written, with the names of the bodies of water that serve the city, so as not to confuse cities with similar or identical names.) The 'get" is written in the husband's name "I, so and so (all nicknames are included for positive identification, in this case, and in the case of all names in the "get") son of so and so, do hereby say to you who were my wife, so and so daughter of so and so, this is your book of divorce, scroll of separation, document of departure. This is being written without compulsion. You are hereby completely free, with full power over yourself, and may marry any man whom you shall choose, with no man having a right to object. This has full power and efficacy, in accordance with the Law of Moses and Israel". (I once was in a Beit Din for a "get" in which the husband was a former District Attorney. He asked me to translate it for him. He said "that is the most perfect legal document I have ever heard"..Two witnesses must hear the command to write the "get", see its writing, and sign below. They must also witness his presentation of the "get". The man then says to the woman "this is your "get". Receive this get, and be divorced from me from right now". He then places the "get" in her hand. She takes the get and walks out of the room, in order to show that it is her property. She then returns to the room. The rabbis check that it is the same document, and make a tear in it to show that it is already in force. The Beit Din will keep the actual "get" on file, while giving each party a document stating that they have gone through the appropriate procedure and have no further obligations to each other. Interestingly, the rabbis say "Mazal Tov" (congratulations!) to the former spouses, as the dissolution of an unhappy marriage is also a cause for celebration. The couple is reminded that the option of remarrying each other remains, unless the husband is a Kohen, for whom a divorcee is forbidden by the Torah. Although the divorce is efficacious immediately, the woman is instructed not to remarry for at least 91 days, in order to ascertain if she is pregnant, and establish paternity. Occasionally there are complications (for instance, if the two refuse to be in the same room, in which case proxies are appointed to give or receive the "get"). There is no religious stigma attached to giving or receiving a "get', although society is not always as kind. May all marriages be happy, with full love and respect!
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