Jewish Marriage part 4

The groom has now placed the veil on the bride. . It is an incredibly happy time. But can we fully rejoice while there is no Temple, and the world is full of hate and violence? In most communities, ashes are now placed on the groom's head, to remember, even at such a time, the destruction of Jerusalem. At one time, long ago, the groom would have a crown placed on his head. The bride would have a gold ornament with the image of Jerusalem on it. (This was the inspiration of the song "Jerusalem of Gold") The bride was carried to the ceremony in a palanquin. These festivities were discontinued after the fall of Jerusalem. We now remember the verse "To give to the mourners of Zion, glory in place of ashes" (Isaiah 61:3) We wear the ashes, but await the glory. Another institution that was discontinued was the Huppah. The word "Huppah" appears several times in the Bible, and most people assume that it means the canopy that is now used in nearly all Jewish communities. But this is not the case. Until the destruction of Jerusalem, it was the practice to build a special hut where not only was the wedding held, but in which the couple would live for seven days and nights. Friends and relatives would come every day to celebrate with the newlyweds. One of the most beautiful (and romantic!) stories in the Talmud says that when a girl was born, her father would plant a myrtle. When a boy was born, his father would plant a cedar. When they married, the huppah hut was made from the branches of these trees. The Jerusalem Talmud also comments that these huppot were richly decorated with drapes and tapestries. After the destruction, the huppah was merely the house where the new couple would reside, celebrating for seven days. Later, a place of seclusion called the "yichud, or "uniting" room" was set aside at the wedding hall, where the couple can be alone right after the ceremony. This is still practiced. So where did we get the canopy, known today as the huppah, which is virtually the symbol of a Jewish wedding? Many customs (as opposed to laws), began for reasons that have been forgotten, or else overlaid with interpretations that grew larger in the popular consciousness than the original reason. In the middle ages, there were no catering halls. Weddings were generally held at the synagogue. However, in Medieval France and Germany, some rabbis felt that this was not proper, as the wedding is not technically a prayer service. Others disagreed, and this is the view that prevails. But, in the heat of debate, it became customary to hold the ceremony outdoors, so as to avoid the controversy. Ah, but here we have a problem. The Talmud forbids holding a wedding on a public street or in a marketplace, as it seems too haphazard. In order to avoid this problem, the custom came in (mentioned already in 11th century literature) to set up a canopy, usually held up by friends and relatives, to delineate a private, special place. Soon, the custom took on new meanings. A wedding under the stars signified the blessing "Be numerous as the stars in Heaven". The canopy symbolized the new home that was coming into being, as well as a Higher Light that shines on the couple, uniting the two into one. These are all after-the-fact interpretations, but they caught on. The custom spread far and wide, being accepted by Sepharadim a few centuries later, and by Yemenites in the twentieth century. Interestingly, some wedding halls have an indoor huppah with a skylight above, which is opened during the ceremony.
The groom is now led to the canopy, held either by his parents, or else by the two fathers. The bride will come slightly later, accompanied by her parents, or both mothers. What happens next will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 3

We now enter the wedding hall. The bride is in one room, with all the female guests. She is sitting on a chair that is more like a throne. After all, a bride and groom are to be seen as a queen and king. Her friends are dancing before her,with food and drink available to all...except for the bride (in Ashkenazi tradition) who is fasting. Nearby, the groom is sitting in a nearby room with all the male guests. The mood is serious, almost somber. He is about to make a commitment. The ketubah must be signed. Generally translated "Marriage Contract", it is really a guarantee of security and sensitivity for the bride, more like a 'pre-nup".There is a debate whether this is a Biblical or Rabbinic obligation (both interpretations have solid bases), but an obligation it is. The groom promises the bride to cherish her, provide her with food, clothing, and sexual gratification. Besides that, there are three sums of money in every Ketubah. There is an amount (expressed in silver) that is given as her security, which will be hers upon her husband's death, or in the event of divorce. This will be hers, irrespective of any creditors or heirs. A second amount is an estimation of the value of all the money and possessions she is bringing with her.The groom will accept stewardship over them, which will revert to her in the above circumstances.To this, the groom adds an additional amount, generally at least double the value of what she is bringing. In Ashkenazi tradition, outside of Israel, there are customary, uniform amounts put in. In Sephardic, and Ashkenazi in Israel, dollar amounts are negotiated between the families, and will reflect the economic situation of those concerned. The Sephardic Ketubah is about triple the length of the Ashkenazi ketubah, containing provisions such as the inheritance of their children, which court will adjudicate in the even of a dispute, and a statement of the groom that he takes these obligations fully, renouncing any claims that he agreed to the terms under duress. The rabbis then hands an object, usually a handkerchief, to the groom as a symbolic barter (you take the object, I take all your guarantees, as your bride's agent). The groom lifts the object up, symbolizing acceptance. Two witnesses sign that they have seen the groom agree. In Sepharadic tradition, the groom signs as well. The ketubah will be presented to the bride during the ceremony. (In a few communities, the ketubah is signed just before it is presented to the bride). The groom then walks to where the bride is (in most traditions), accompanied by all the men. The men are singing and dancing, and the women make way for this procession. The groom puts the veil over her face. The primary reason for this is to make sure that it is the right woman, unlike what happened to our father Jacob when Leah was substituted for Rachel. There are also kabbalistic meanings to this ceremony, being the initial physical contact, however mild, between the couple. The rabbis and scholars present then bless the bride ("Our sister, may you be the mother of millions!")The men then accompany the groom to where the wedding will actually take place, amid joyous singing and dancing. Where will the wedding ceremony take place? Why the canopy? that will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 2

There is a lovely story in the Talmud about a Roman matron who asked a rabbi "What has your G-d been doing since Creation?" The Rabbi answered "Making marriages!" The matron said "what?!?! I can do the same!" She took her male and female slaves and assigned them marriage partners. A mass wedding was held. She felt very sure that she was as good as G-d. The next morning, all the newlyweds showed up beaten and bruised. She had to admit that only G-d could make a marriage.
The rabbis tell us that forty days before conception, it is decreed in Heaven whom one will marry. A person unmarried is only half a person.One of the greatest mitzvot is to match up appropriate couples, and to assist with wedding preparations. Everyone has a "zivvug" (a soul mate.)
In modern society, people choose partners based primarily on physical attraction. One famous Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife) said that the average young woman puts more thought into what dress she will buy than whom she will marry. I think we can say the same about men, just substituting a new car for a new dress.
In traditional Jewish circles, pre-arranged marriages were the rule. In the twentieth century, only the most Ultra-Orthodox went this route, but this is making a comeback. Think about it. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. In a pre-arranged marriage, the parents and professional matchmakers will determine if the couple actually has enough in common to be a match. It has been said that when we go on a date, we are not actually meeting the person, but rather their representative. If objective parties can see that two people are suited for each other, all that remains is for the couple to decide if they are attracted to each other. The match (known as a "Shidduch") does not require the people to commit from the beginning. It is like a blind date, but where there are no games. Both parties know that this is about marriage and commitment. From the first date, discussions will be held on the topic "if we get married". Neither side can be forced into the arrangement, and the halachah stipulates that the wishes of parents need not be respected in this area. The divorce rate in the Orthodox community is a tiny fraction of the general rate, although divorce is readily available and not considered a stigma. The Shidduch may be made by a professional matchmaker, or a friend or relative. In my case, the sister of a friend made the match between me and my wife, Sima. Sima was a guest in her home for a Shabbat, whereupon my friend's sister thought that we would make a good couple. Similar personalities, beliefs, goals, signaled a promising chance for a relationship. We dated for three weeks, got engaged, and were married three months later. That was almost 43 years ago, We have had a wonderful marriage, and pray that G-d give us many more years together.
Once the couple has decided to "tie the knot", there are different traditions in different communities as to an engagement celebration. Some do not have one. Some have a party (called a "vort"; a word), where words of Torah are spoken, and good wishes heaped upon the couple. In some communities, there is a ceremony called "tnaiim" (conditions), where a document of commitment to marry is signed, with stipulations made as to who is bringing what to the marriage. The time between the engagement and the marriage is also the time for the bride and groom to study (usually in a class) the laws pertaining to marriage and to sexual relations. These topics are discussed openly, with all the seriousness that needs to be understood for a life long relationship of love and mutual respect. We do not fall in love. We grow in love.
Then the big day arrives. There is no "bachelor party" or similar frivolity. In fact, in Ashkenazic circles, the couple fasts on their wedding day. This has two functions. One is to ensure that they will not become intoxicated and wake up married. The second is based on the rabbinic dictum that G-d forgives all of one's sins on the wedding day. Although the custom of fasting is unknown in other Jewish circles, the wedding day is always seen as a time for reflection and introspection. In Israel, many visit the Kotel (Western Wall) to pray for the success of their marriage. Customarily, the bride and groom do not see each other for several days before the wedding, although this is by no means halachah.. They get to the wedding hall and....That will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 1

In the early '70s, I was the campus rabbi of Ohio State University, in Columbus. Two of the students were getting married in Cleveland. Their family rabbi was doing the wedding, but I was invited. I got a lift with a group of students who were also attending. Seated as I was in the back seat, I failed to notice that the young man driving was, in fact, speeding. Only when the flashing police lights signaled for us to stop, was I aware of the fact. The police, as is not uncommon, wanted to teach these "crazy kids" a lesson, The officers informed us that all the passengers of the car would be put in jail for the night, until we would stand before a judge the following morning. The driver thought fast and said "we are on our way to a wedding, and here is the rabbi". A policeman looked at me and said "You're a rabbi?" "Yes" I replied. "And you're on your way to a wedding?" Again, I responded in the affirmative. It was true. He didn't ask, after all, if I was the rabbi who was performing the wedding. He lifted his eyes to Heaven, and said "Far be it from me to interfere with an act of G-d!" With that he sent us on our way. I was grateful, but his words got me thinking. Is a wedding, from a Torah perspective, an act of G-d? To be sure, WHOM we marry is, according to our sages, ordained by G-d even before we are born. But the act of marriage, is essentially an act of Man. Whereas in most religions, it is the special powers believed to be invested in the clergyman that effects the bond of marriage, In our faith it is the actions of the bride and groom, doing what Torah requires, to make a marriage binding. The rabbi is there not as a priest with special powers, but as the guide through the laws and rituals. In fact, there is a huge problem of young teenagers, with a little bit of knowledge, accidentally getting married! (This is very common in summer camps). Every year, many such young people must go through a Jewish divorce (which I will discuss later in this series), or risk being guilty of adultery when, down the road, they wish to marry someone else.
So, what makes a marriage according to the Torah and halachah? Do all Orthodox Jews have the same laws? Do traditions differ? If so, why? What is the status of a Civil marriage? A Common Law marriage? What rules govern not only weddings, but the state of marriage? What are the obligations of a husband to his wife, and a wife to her husband? The wedding ceremony as it is done today, actually combines two separate ceremonies, which, in ancient times, were performed as much as a year apart. How, and why, did this change? Do Orthodox Jews go on a honeymoon? Why or why not?
These are the topics which I shall discuss in this series.

Filling the Void

In the last years of the Second Temple, the Jewish people was divided up into several factions, with different ideologies and practices. The largest ones were the Pharisees and the Sadducees. The Pharisees were the sages, the bearers of the Oral Torah, followed by the vast majority of the common people. The Sadducees denied the Oral Torah. Their bastion of strength was a large part of the Priesthood, as well as the upper class. They didn't believe in a Hereafter, and saw the Temple service as essentially the be-all and end-all of Judaism. By all accounts, they were lax in most areas, relying on the cleansing of the sacrifices. But the biggest distinction between Pharisees and Sadducees that we can see, is that after the destruction of the Temple, the Pharisess thrived, and the Sadducees disappeared.
People often overlook the fact that two-thirds of the commandments in the Torah relate to the Temple and to Sacrifice. Those contemporary groups that have written the sacrifices out of Judaism need to be aware that they are denying two-thirds of the Torah before they even get started! (Yes, I am aware of the view that the sacrifices were a concession rather than a commandment. I can find little basis for that view r in classical sources, and that view is contradicted by that same author's other writings). For the Sadducees, the Temple WAS Judaism. No Temple equals no Judaism. It was over. They simply gave up.
At the fall of Jerusalem, Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai persuaded the Romans to grant the sleepy coastal town of Yavneh as a refuge for the sages. He reestablished the Sanhedrin there. The Talmud reports that most of the Sages were actually quite pessimistic about the survival Of Judaism. Had Rabbi Yochanan been a modern Jewish leader, he probably would have had memorials for the Temple put up everywhere, as well as special remembrance days observed. That is not what he did. Yes, two older fast days, originally commemorating the destruction of the First Temple, were revitalized and reemphasized. But he did much more than that. He instituted many practices that had only been done in the Temple into everyday life and observance. These were "zacher laMikdash", a "Memorial of the Temple". For example, the Etrog and Lulav (the four species) are commanded in the Torah to be taken everywhere on the first day of Sukkot, but, in the Temple, they were to be taken all seven days of the feast, with a joyous procession around the altar. Rabbi Yochanan instituted that now it should be taken everywhere throughout the feast, with a procession around the "bimah" (the place from where the Torah is read) . But these practices said several different things. Yes, it was to remember that which WAS, but is now missing. But it was also to instill faith that the Temple was coming back; at the time when HaShem will choose. It was also to do SOMETHING rather than nothing. That "something" was not just an action, but an implanting of a consciousness of a nearly forgotten message.The powerful messages of the Temple Service could still be gotten, albeit in a lesser form, even now. Marching around the Bimah is NOT a substitute for the Temple. It is a memorial, a hope for restoration, and at least it gives us a sense of what should, and will be.
In our own lives, we often lose someone or something that is incredibly precious. Some people stop living at that point. Others remember the loss, but are determined to go on living, enriched by the memories of who and what was, and realizing that they will one day be reunited. As long as that thought is put into practice, the lost person still lives through them. The void is filled, and it is no longer a void.
May G-d restore all of our losses!

Details

Several years ago, on one of the "ask the rabbi" websites, a frequent poster wrote a question. He said "I can understand don't kill, don't steal; but the great concern for details, like what is or isn't permitted on Shabbat, or what ingredients in a food would render it non-kosher, why is G-d concerned with these things?" The rabbi did not answer the question. After a few days, the person posted "have I finally asked you a question that you cannot answer?" The rabbi responded "I certainly did answer. In fact, I sent you a long email. However, in your email address, I left out the "dot" in "dot com." I can't imagine that a small detail like that would prevent the email from going through".
Our lives are made up of details. A slight shift in blood chemistry can mean illness...or death. A statement to a spouse "I love you, for the most part" would spell death for the relationship.
There is a delicate balance in Torah, between obligations to G-d and to Man; commands intended to sanctify every facet of life. There is a balance between "Love" and "Fear/Awe" of G-d that we are commanded to maintain  in the proper proportions.We are equally commanded not to add to the Torah, nor to detract. Judaism neither demands abstinence from the pleasures of life, nor unbridled hedonism. In the law of the Nazirite, who takes a vow to abstain from wine and hair cutting for a period of time (Numbers, chapter 6), at the completion of his vow, he must bring a sin offering. Why? The rabbis tell us that this is because self-affliction is, in most cases, a sin both against one's self, as well as against G-d. Then why is the Nazirite vow even mentioned in the Torah? The passage comes immediately after the law of the suspected adulteress. "One who sees the immorality around him, should vow to abstain from excesses, lest he also fall to debauchery". There is a time for abstinence, and other times where it is a sin. The details make the difference.
In one of Woody Allen's essays, he asks "the body and the soul; which is better to have?" The answer of Torah is "both are essential...in the right balance". For us, there is no dichotomy between "the letter of the Law, and "the spirit of the Law". These complement, rather than conflict. Our lives, our loves, our professions; all are composed of details. We must not forget to put the "dot" in the addresses of our lives.

Politics and Archaeology

I had for many years admired the late Vendyl Jones (1930-2010). He had been a Baptist Minister, who realized that the Bible could not really be understood without a firm grasp of Hebrew. He devoted himself to intense study. This led him to become a Noachide (long before most people had ever heard the term). He became a life-long advocate for all people to come to G-d through the Covenant of Noah. He went to Israel, dividing his time between the Holy Land and his native Texas.Two of his five children converted to Judaism. He did archaeological work both under Jordanian and Israeli auspices. He worked at Qumran, where the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered (among other sites). He was particularly fascinated by the "Temple Scroll", which revealed hints as to where the sacred artifacts of the ancient Temple were hidden. (One of the great mysteries of Jewish history is that the list found in that scroll is identical, word for word, with a list contained in a 17th century work, which no one had taken seriously). He trained in archaeology. But his interest was more in the direction of theology.He hoped to pave the way for the restoration of the Temple service. He was an adventurer archaeologist. He was looking for the Lost Ark of the Covenant. He did find the ancient anointing oil, as well as a store of the incense from the Temple (although some question the identification of the latter). Towards the end of his life, he was sure that he had found the hiding place of the Ark, but was stymied by the red tape that characterizes Israeli bureaucracy. Some claimed that the Indian Jones character was based on him, but others deny this.All I can say is that if it wan't, the coincidences were remarkable. After discovering that we had a mutual friend, I extended an invitation to him to come to my home for dinner.
He showed up at my door in his ten gallon hat and snake skin suspenders. My kids were awed, and, frankly, so was I. My children showed him the various antiquities that they had found over the years; pieces of pottery and stone implements.He graciously identified each thing, and gave its history. Finally, I asked him a question that had baffled me for decades. When I was in college (1966-1970), I took many courses in Bible and the ancient Near East. My professors, who were by no means Orthodox Jews, repeatedly made the point that the Bible had proven totally reliable in terms of history. Archaeologists merely needed to figure out where a site should be, dig into the ground, and find not only the site, but often uncover evidence of Biblical events. By the time I graduated, articles began appearing in magazines and journals that stated the opposite. It was all folklore. Nothing in the Bible, before the fifth century BCE, was genuine. I asked Vendyl Jones what had changed. His answer surprised me, but made supreme sense. It was politics!
Before the 1967 Six Day War, the rhetoric coming out of the Middle East was that Israel would be destroyed and its people "thrown into the Sea". Most of the world saw Israel as David facing Goliath. After Israel accomplished victory in that war, which many considered nothing short of a miracle, the rhetoric suddenly changed. Israel was the aggressor. Israel was Goliath. Little by little that narrative came to be accepted by most of the world. Showing the accuracy of the Bible now became unpopular and politically incorrect Jewish claims to the Land of Israel would serve to foster Israeli "imperialism" Non-Jewish archaeologists, as well as secular, left wing Israeli archaeologists, shifted their view of history.A revisionist history, and a revisionist archaeology, became the fashion of the day. Palestinian archaeologists even went further. There never was a Temple, the Jews had only been in the Land for fifty years, and Jesus was a Palestinian.
I was "bowled over" by his remarks. This approach was not new in the history of the world. Stalin had made the evolutionary theories of Lamarck official State policy, because they fit into the theories of Marxism. Facts were twisted to fit a political concept. Science does not exist in a bubble. In 1975, a respected American physician published a book which garnered headlines. No need for natural foods. Colorings are harmless, preservatives are actually GOOD for you, we need more sugar, not less. These ideas became widely accepted by many, until it was revealed that the work had been funded by a junk food manufacturer. Pure science, alas, does not exist.
Vendyl Jones left a profound legacy. Let us examine carefully not only what is written, but also why. may we see the day when G-d's Truth prevails! May we see the day when the Ark of the Covenant will again rest in glory in the restored Temple!