Jewish Marriage part 14

An old friend of mine, (and former employer) owns a Tefillin store in Jerusalem. When he was a child, he contracted a very invasive form of cancer. It was already stage four by the time it was diagnosed. Doctors held out little hope. There was, however, a slight chance. An experimental treatment was to be tested. His parents agreed to have him take part in the first human trial. It didn't work. Of the 400 children treated, 399 died. Only my friend survived. The doctors called it a miracle. They cautioned, however, that he would never be able to have children. He is now the proud father and grandfather of many! When I worked in his store, frequently people with advanced cancers would come to him for counseling. He would put his work aside, and give these people his full attention, He gave them the feeling that there is always hope; not because he had READ it, but because he had BEEN there.

As I have written before, divorce is sometimes necessary. But media make it seem almost trendy. Anyone who has been through one can tell you that there is hardly a worse nightmare. One newspaper columnist, writing in about 1980, said it best: "The person you have loved and nurtured now wants to eat out your liver!".

I'll get personal here. This is hard for me to write.. But, if some are helped, it will have been worth it.

I had wanted to get married since I was seventeen. I did not meet the "right one" (or so I thought) until I was twenty seven. We were soon married. Everyone thought that we were the ideal couple. It was a happy marriage...for me. She was unhappy. She looked for guidance to a controversial figure, "Rabbi" Shlomo Carlebach, concerning whom I had grave misgivings.(Only after his death did it come out that he was a predator and a serial rapist). She told him that I didn't approve of many things he did. He told her to get out of the marriage. This was less than a week after we learned that she was carrying our child. We were together for four months.

To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I felt that at twenty seven, my life was over. I was alone and frightened. My security and sense of self worth lay in ruins. I was the rabbi of a congregation, and lived all alone in a big house in the country. My sense of failure was colossal. I had searched for ten years. Would it take another ten to find my "zivvug"? Would I EVER find her? On top of this, a rabbi whom I respected had recently written a book of encouragement. It stressed keeping a first marriage together at any cost, as a second marriage is NEVER happy. I was not encouraged.

Ten months later, I was introduced to Sima. It was an unlikely "match". I am a follower of the teachings of Rabbi Nachman, and I was enamored of Sephardic tradition. She was a student of a prominent Lithuanian rabbi. Nearly everyone thought that we were totally wrong for each other. We were married (with many people trying to stop the wedding until the last minute).  Forty two  years later, we are still on our honeymoon. To quote a statement from Sima a few months ago "you know, we have one of the happiest marriages on the planet". I totally agree, and give my thanks to G-d every day.

Why did I need to go through that first unsuccessful marriage? I still bear the scars. But I gained many things. First, it has lead me to a lifelong struggle against cult figures and charlatans. There are many. Several of the "rabbis" on Facebook who solicit funds aren't even Jewish Some live in "gated communities" known as "prisons". I do not remain silent, I speak up. The thought that I mentioned in an earlier post in this series, that each of us has many "soul mates", but with one "complete" match, is true. I have no doubt that Sima is my soul mate. She is my other half, in every way. But from my first marriage came a lovely daughter, now married with two darling children. Is it possible to believe that these aren't the mysteries of G-d? There was a level of my soul that my first wife fulfilled. I also learned not to put too much faith in the Court of Public Opinion. Sima and I knew that we were right for each other, and that feeling is still getting stronger.

Perhaps most importantly, I have BEEN there. For forty two years I have been counseling people who are getting or got a divorce. I KNOW the pain. I counsel people with abandonment issues. I really get it. I counsel people who are without hope, for I KNOW that there is always hope! To quote Rabbi Nachman "Gevalt! (Woe!) There is no giving up!"

My wounds are slow healing. But because of what I have been through, I am helping many to heal their own wounds. What if we all turn adversity around, see where G-d's plan is in all things, and heal the world!

Jewish Marriage part 13

We have seen how Man and Woman are a physical representation of the Divine Mysteries, and their union represents a Unification of the Divine, and actually helps bring about that Unification. Can you imagine how marriages would be if everyone looked at their spouse as part of the Divine Mystery? If everyone looked upon sex as a means of fulfilling the Universe? The kabbalistic texts explain every aspect of human intimacy as reflecting a process above. The embracing, the kissing (the lips represent two of the Sefirot!) as well as the actual act of love are all expounded on in these texts. When one speaks words of love and adoration to one's spouse, we are also saying these words to G-d! I mentioned in my last post that the male represents the letter Vav of the Divine Name. It is clearly emphasized in Kabbalah that it is no coincidence that the male member is shaped like the letter Vav. It is to be remembered that the Brit-the Covenant of Circumcision, is sealed in the male member. Here, we come to a two way street.
We have seen how the love between husband and wife is a most sacred bond, especially at the moment of union. However, we read in the Torah (Genesis 17:1) that when G-d gave the command of circumcision to Abraham, he said "...I am G-d, Shad-dai, walk before Me and be perfect..." The Divine Name Shad-dai, one of ten divine names used in the Torah, literally means "Mighty". But it is interpreted in Midrash as "She-dai" (that is enough). The rabbis of the Talmud say that this is a hint against idolatry; "there is enough in My Divinity for everyone, you need seek no false gods". The Kabbalists understand this in terms of sex as well; "what I have permitted to you and given to you is enough, you mustn't seek illicit pleasure with those whom I have forbade you, or in unsanctified relationships". A payer to G-d is a beautiful thing. That same prayer, directed to a pagan deity, is an abomination. The Name Shad-dai is spiritually inscribed with our circumcision, and is indelible.The Divine Name sits, as it were, at the very point of a man's pleasure, demanding he examine to whom this potentially beautiful act is directed. The holier the act, the more subject it is to profanation. This is the concept of "Shmirat HaBrit" (guarding the Covenant). How much joy and holiness marital relations can bring! How much pain and emptiness do we experience with meaningless "hookups"!
There is a remarkable statement in the Talmud that Jerusalem is the "Gate to Heaven". There is another statement that the entrance to Gehinnom (purgatory) is between two palm trees at the gate of Jerusalem. When coming to holiness, or coming to love, we must choose wisely. Holy and illicit acts may seem like the same thing, but that is illusion.

Jewish Marriage part 12

I have shown in a previous post in this series that Man and Woman were, according to our tradition, created simultaneously, with two bodies, connected at the back. The Biblical narrative of the creation of Woman is understood to mean that they were separated into two separate beings. At marriage, we are quite literally being united with our other half. But let's go deeper.
As I pointed out in my series on Kabbalah, not all Jews accept Kabbalah, and even among those who believe in it, many avoid studying it, even seeing it as "dangerous'. I do not share those views. To me (and to many others) the Kabbalistic understanding of life, and, as we shall see, love, is very fundamental to our everyday understanding of the mystery we call "life". I'm certain that many of those reading this,  might not be comfortable with what I am about to say, but, I believe, I would be remiss in not putting it "out there".
As you may recall, according to Kabbalah, the Essence of G-d (called "Ein Sof", the Infinite) is unknowable, and has no Name. Ein Sof emitted a "ray" which divided into attributes, already present in Ein Sof in an inexplicable way, but now manifest. The Name which is forbidden to pronounce is actually a diagram of the flow of "light" through these attributes, known as Sefirot. The Kabbalistic understanding of Man being in the Image of G-d, is that these same attributes are reflected in Man's soul, his personality, and even in his physical being. (A section of the Zohar which describes the connection of the Sefirot and the human body is to be found in most Sephradic, and some Hasidic, prayer books) That is, we have "Understanding" which reflects, albeit distantly, G-d's attribute of Understanding (Binah). The human heart is a manifestation of Binah as well. When we speak of "the Heart of G-d", we do not mean an organ made of muscle that pumps blood. Yet, that is the paradigm of the human heart, infinitely more refined and exalted than we can imagine. The Kabbalah also speaks of a male/female relationship within the sefirot on several levels, especially between the ninth and tenth sefirot, which are represented in the Divine Name as the letters "Vav" and "Heh". A word of caution here. There were times and places where great errors were made in this, and people understood this in pagan terms of gods and goddesses. This is one reason why some great rabbis rejected Kabbalah. At the other extreme, there are those who say that male and female are merely expressions of "Bestower" and "Bestowee", unconnected to the human meanings of male and female. From the writings of the ARI, it is clear that what really exists is that there are aspects of G-d, manifest in the sefirot, that are reflected in the human soul, psyche, and physiology, much as the heart "represents" the Divine Binah. Therefore, Man and Woman reflect the Vav and the Heh. The Zohar explains how the Vav and Heh of G-d's manifestation became severed, causing the "Exile of the Shechinah" (Divine Presence, Divine Feminine [Nukva]). Through our actions in performing mitzvot, we can reunite the Masculine and Feminine principles. But a great Cosmic yearning exists for reunification. That is reflected in Man's and Woman's deep-seated desire and yearning for each other. The mating of husband and wife both REFLECTS the cosmic drama, and actually BRINGS ABOUT divine Unity. So, when we make love to our spouse, we are participating in something far beyond ourselves. Yet, ironically, this is how we may, at last, find ourselves. What should we be thinking at the time of love making that will transform the physical act into a transcendent mystery? Why can we not accomplish this with random sexual acts, outside of marriage? That will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 11

The physical union of husband and wife is, in Judaism, not a concession, but an affirmation of life. It is an actual requirement on Shabbat. Traditions vary, but it is generally considered an obligation on Rosh Hodesh (New Moon), as well as some holidays. It is also obligatory on the man to please his wife when she indicates that she desires his attention. Except on two days of the year, Yom Kippur and Tish'ah B'Av, when intercourse is forbidden, any other time the couple wishes, it is not only permissible, but a mitzvah. In the Ketubah, as we have seen, the obligation is purely on the man to satisfy his wife. Nevertheless, it is recognized in halachah that a man also has needs. Still, he cannot force her to be intimate against her will. But the Zohar gives a hefty curse to a woman who uses sex as a weapon. A man is required to make a woman feel good about the marital act. If there is any tension between them, it must be dealt with beforehand. Neither may think of other people during intercourse. I plan to go into some of the deeper meditations relating to this in my next post.
The major Biblical restriction on marital relations is during the period of "Nidah" (Menstruation). The Torah forbids intercourse during this time, as well as affectionate acts that might bring one to intercourse. (Leviticus 18:19) The Torah rules for Nidah are to be found in Leviticus 15:19-33.The Oral Torah fills in the gaps. All the rules are far too complex for discussion in this forum. Brides and grooms study these before their marriage for several weeks. I will try to give a brief rundown, with at least some explanation. First of all, it must be stressed, that there is no stigma attached to being Nidah (menstruant). Unlike in some religious traditions, and some Jewish heresies, the wife is not driven out of the home at that time. In fact, she is encouraged to look attractive, without being flirtatious. If we look at all the laws of Tum'ah ("uncleanness"), they all relate to the Birth/Death cycle. The highest degree of tum'ah is a corpse. Second would be a living person who has come in contact with a corpse. Below that are some situations of contact with dead animals (mostly kosher species that have died of themselves, or not undergone proper "shchitah" [Kosher Slaughter]). But we also find tum'ah in connection with childbirth, emission of semen, and certain illnesses. Although the Torah does not explain why these things confer tum'ah, we can understand that we must balance our lives between transcendent, spiritual moments, and dealing with the existential realities of birth, sickness, pain and death. When we touch one extreme, we must prepare ourselves for the other.Torah and Talmudic law have different lengths of time for each type of tum'ah, and different cleansing ceremonies. Many of these are only operative in Temple times, some also now. When menstruation occurs, an ovum, a potential life, has been lost. The body rids itself of the ovum, and readies itself for a chance at producing life once again. After menstruation is over, the woman will immerse either in a natural body of water, or in a specially built pool called a "mikveh". (The Torah merely says "wash her body in water", but the Oral Torah says that all the water in the world is of no avail other than immersion). This may be seen as a reenactment of the birth/death cycle. She "buries" herself in the water, and is ready once again for life; her own, and her children's, as she rises from the water.. The time of physical separation from her husband is over. They are REQUIRED to make love on her mikveh night. The period of separation has brought them to the state of being a bride and groom once more. Even couples who have been married for decades re-experience the "specialness" of the "first time" once again. For technical reasons, the separation is actually longer than the period itself. In Ashkenazic tradition, it is always a minimum of twelve days, with some Sepharadim keeping a few days less. That the physical union of husband and wife is more than merely for the purpose of procreation can readily be seen by the fact that it is encouraged during pregnancy, as well as after menopause.
The recognition of this very deep human need, and its being elevated to the sacred, is, in my opinion, one of the greatest things about Judaism. But WHY is there such a need? Why did G-d create us this way? That will be the subject of my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 10

In my last post, I spoke of the sad, but sometimes necessary, topic of divorce. A question must immediately occur to us. If we have destined mates (zivvug) how is it possible for it NOT to work?
The Biblical story of the creation of Adam and Eve is greatly expanded upon in the Talmud, Midrash, and especially Kabbalah. The first people created were actually two bodies joined at their backs, facing away from each other. When Adam requested a helper and companion, she was, in fact, there all along...unseen. G-d caused a deep sleep to fall, and he fashioned Eve from Adam's "tzela""; usually translated "rib" but which has an alternate meaning of "side". He was given what was already his, but couldn't see, and of which he was completely unaware. (There is a great deal about this in the Zohar and the writings of the Holy Ari, using this image to explain the deeper symbolism of Rosh HaShanah; the New Year). The Talmud informs us that forty days before conception, a Heavenly Voice rings out announcing whom this about-to-be child will marry; who is their other half. We live in the same world with our mates, perhaps even the same town, but we just don't see. Our backs are to each other, as it were. Then, one day, the two are made to face each other, and they know that this is the one!
But there can be situations where it is NOT the one, or we lose the one. The Talmud states that if one has found the right person, marry quickly "lest someone precede you with prayer".Another person may, with his or her prayers, draw our mates to themselves. But they will never be happy. The one who lost his or her mate this way may eventually marry someone else as well, but it will never be their "other half".
A very different approach to this question is suggested by Rabbi Nachman of Breslov. Our personalities, indeed, our souls, are not monolithic.The ARI (Shaar Hagilgulim) says that every person is made up of many souls. Just as white light contains all the colors of the rainbow, so do we possess a soul made up of many souls. We may even have souls of people who lived long ago, who came into us at birth to accomplish something as yet undone, or even during our lives, additional souls may join with ours in order to be "fixed" or to inspire us. Nevertheless, one soul with always be dominant. This is a basic concept in ARI. Rabbi Nachman said that each of these souls has a soul mate! As there are different degrees of "soul energy" within us from each soul, so the "zivvug" will be different. For example, if someone has a minute aspect of a particular soul, there will be a person "out there" who likewise has that minute spark, waiting to be joined. A neighbor, sitting at home with his wife, might make a remark "Hey, what do you think of introducing so and so to so and so?" The wife says "Oh, no! They aren't right for each other at all!" And that is the end of it. But actually, says Rabbi Nachman, that aspect has united with its "zivvug" on its appropriate plain. Nothing more can, or should be done. A person may have a somewhat larger "spark". The two actually meet, but nothing comes of it. That "zivvug": has been fulfilled! There will be cases of multiple meetings, engagement, even brief marriage. All these fulfill the sparks of souls. Then, one day, we meet, and hopefully marry, that special person who completes us.Our predominant spiritual selves are then fulfilled. The ultimate "zivvug" has been found. But the others were not for naught. Each one fulfilled part of us, paving the way to ultimate completion. Each "bad" experience did, nevertheless, mean something positive, and brought us closer to ultimate good. Rabbi Nachman called this "the hidden ways of He who knows all". May we all find, and appreciate, the right one, who will assist us in finding joy, love,  spirituality, and ultimately G-d..

Jewish Marriage part 9

How I wish that we lived in a world where everyone lives "happily ever after". The reality is that we are human, with all the flaws that come with that status. The Torah, therefore, stipulates a  procedure of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1). There is a debate in the Talmud as to what are the grounds for divorce. The conclusion is that if there is disharmony and a lack of willingness to stay together, that is sufficient. The wife is protected by the stipulations of the Ketubah, as I wrote previously. By law of the Torah, the divorce is in the husband's hands. However, if a wife is being abused or otherwise treated unjustly, the rabbinic court can, and should, force the husband to grant a Bill of Divorce ("get"). Sadly, the secular authorities do not grant the rabbinic courts the power to force the husband to give the "get", which often leads to the very tragic situation of "Agunah"; a "chained woman", who is bound to her former husband and cannot remarry. This is sometimes because of spite, sometimes as a means of extortion. A recent case of rabbis using strong-arm tactics to get a recalcitrant husband to grant a get, resulted in several rabbis being incarcerated in Federal prison. Even in Israel, the State does not grant the rabbinic courts the right to force a "get". People wind up blaming the rabbis, which, in my opinion, is most unfair and unjust. (I have described elsewhere a controversial possible solution to this problem, that is now being employed by some rabbis).
When there is mutual agreement for divorce, the couple will approach the Beit Din. If all financial issues have been resolved, it is a simple procedure. If not, arbitration will be necessary. In most cases, these issues have already been resolved in the secular courts. It is important to note that just as marriage is a spiritual, Torah concept, and we in no way recognize the state's civil union that they call marriage, so divorce is totally a religious procedure. As far as Judaism is concerned, a civil divorce has no meaning or efficacy whatsoever. Reform Judaism has no get ceremony. Conservative has traditionally had a valid get ceremony, but, sadly, an "alternative" ceremony is also now made available, in which the couple fill out a postcard, authorizing the giving and receiving of a get without either being present. Although a proxy get can be valid, there are numerous halachot surrounding this procedure, which are not met by the new ceremony.
The entire ceremony takes about an hour. The couple appears before the Beit Din, and express their desire for a divorce. The husband instructs the scribe to write a Bill of Divorce (called in the Torah "A book of dissolution", and in rabbinic literature a "get"). The scribe serves as his agent. The "get" clearly identifies the date of the divorce, the place of the divorce. (Country names are not included, as these often change after wars. The name of the city is written, with the names of the bodies of water that serve the city, so as not to confuse cities with similar or identical names.) The 'get" is written in the husband's name "I, so and so (all nicknames are included for positive identification, in this case, and in the case of all names in the "get") son of so and so, do hereby say to you who were my wife, so and so daughter of so and so, this is your book of divorce, scroll of separation, document of departure. This is being written without compulsion. You are hereby completely free, with full power over yourself, and may marry any man whom you shall choose, with no man having a right to object. This has full power and efficacy, in accordance with the Law of Moses and Israel". (I once was in a Beit Din for a "get" in which the husband was a former District Attorney. He asked me to translate it for him. He said "that is the most perfect legal document I have ever heard"..Two witnesses must hear the command to write the "get", see its writing, and sign below. They must also witness his presentation of the "get". The man then says to the woman "this is your "get". Receive this get, and be divorced from me from right now". He then places the "get" in her hand. She takes the get and walks out of the room, in order to show that it is her property. She then returns to the room. The rabbis check that it is the same document, and make a tear in it to show that it is already in force. The Beit Din will keep the actual "get" on file, while giving each party a document stating that they have gone through the appropriate procedure and have no further obligations to each other. Interestingly, the rabbis say "Mazal Tov" (congratulations!) to the former spouses, as the dissolution of an unhappy marriage is also a cause for celebration. The couple is reminded that the option of remarrying each other remains, unless the husband is a Kohen, for whom a divorcee is forbidden by the Torah. Although the divorce is efficacious immediately, the woman is instructed not to remarry for at least 91 days, in order to ascertain if she is pregnant, and establish paternity. Occasionally there are complications (for instance, if the two refuse to be in the same room, in which case proxies are appointed to give or receive the "get"). There is no religious stigma attached to giving or receiving a "get', although society is not always as kind. May all marriages be happy, with full love and respect!

Jewish Marriage part 8

When we discuss situations in terms of halachah, the situation of people marrying in non-halachic ways (such as civil marriage),, or even marrying "accidentally" (there can be several situations in which this can occur), we are faced with a dilemma. One the one hand, at least where there was an intent of marriage, we would like to declare the couple married. However, marriage comes with many obligations. One of these is, that in the event of the couple eventually splitting up, there is a Torah obligation of a "get"; a Jewish divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1). This is a ceremony much more complicated than a marriage, requiring great expertise on the part of the rabbis performing it. If there is a binding, valid marriage, but no "get" the marriage stands, with terrible consequences for the great sin of adultery, besides the far reaching consequences for the offspring of any future union. As a result, the direction rabbis take in these matters is to seek ways of invalidation these marriages, rather than face the far more serious situation of a possible (likely?) future adultery. I will discuss the process of "get" in a future post.
In a previous post in this series, I spoke of "Kiddushin", the part of the wedding ceremony in which the groom, in the presence of valid witnesses, gives the bride an article of value, declaring her consecrated unto him. This forbids her to every man in the world. Surprisingly, however, this is not the only way that "kiddushin" can exist. The Oral Torah stipulates three methods. One, is "kesef". This is literally "silver", but is understood to mean any article of some value. The second is "Shtar". This means a document, declaring her consecrated. The third is "Bi'ah". This means sexual intercourse. If the groom takes two witnesses, and declares to the bride that he is consecrating her with this act, after which they depart to a private room and have relations, this would effect a binding marriage. Although this is a part of the Oral Torah, a great third century rabbi banned this practice as immodest. Nevertheless, if done, it would be valid.
The Talmud relates an interesting scenario. A couple decides to divorce, and they travel to another city where there is a Beit Din (rabbinic court) that performs the "get" ceremony. Friends accompany them on their journey. Afterwards, on the way back to their own city, the friends notice that the divorced couple have actually gone alone into a shared room. The Talmud states that they have thus reestablished their marriage, as the witnesses, even in the absence of a declaration of intent, may assume that they have reconciled, and that cohabitation was meant to be "kiddushin". Why should they assume this? "We assume that a man does not have sexual relations for immoral purposes". What?!?! Sex for immoral purposes DOES occur! Many rabbis limit this statement to the above case. A couple that has been married MUST share some level of mutual respect. He would not make his former wife into a "one night stand". But can we apply this principle to any couple that has had relations, while others merely knew about it? There were some views that this is, in fact, the case. There was an incident in the 1960s in which a young woman living in a Jewish commune ( a "havurah"; a shared group house, quite popular at that time) wanted to get married, and a very famous rabbi required her to receive a "get" from every male member of the commune. Most rabbis disagree, and say that in most cases couples having a brief encounter, or even living together for any length of time, cannot be assumed to be doing so for the purpose of marriage. But what if they are living together for a long time, presenting themselves as husband and wife? What if they have undergone a civil wedding, which, under Jewish law, has zero validity, but is perhaps, in fact, a public declaration of a desire to be married, with neighbors aware of the situation? Would this be like a situation of a man declaring that he is having intercourse with a woman for the purpose of "kiddushin" thus constituting a valid marriage, with the neighbors serving as witnesses? There were, in fact, many rabbis who considered this to be the case. Today, the consensus is that this does not constitute a marriage. Why? We only make the assumption of such intent in the Talmud's case of the newly divorced couple. Otherwise, we have no reason to assume such an intent unless openly declared..
But isn't a civil marriage a declaration of intent? Most rabbis say "no". The legal and halachic concepts of marriage are light years apart. Jewish religious marriage (and this is true of most religions) see marriage as a union of two souls. The State sees a contract of financial and social obligations. The State simply does not deal in "souls", "consecration" or even "love". So, is a civil marriage a declaration of a desire and willingness to merge two souls? The State would be the first to laugh at this. Every civil marriage is, in essence, a "civil union", not a marriage. (Interestingly, I am informed by a friend who is a Catholic Priest, that they recognize Jewish marriage as binding, but not civil marriage). Indeed, some rabbis require a "get" "just in case", but would not consider the lack of one to constitute adultery.
I am frequently called upon to perform Huppah and Kiddushin for couples who have been together for many years, but now wish to truly unite their souls. This is a happy event for them, as well as for me. It is converting an "arrangement", into something holy. Isn't that what Judaism is all about?