My Story 13

Before I discuss my relationship with Sima, I'd like to give my thoughts about women in general, as well as male-female interactions. These ideas are purely mine, but are rooted not only in personal experience, but even more in how I understand Torah and Kabbalah. Nevertheless, many will study these same sources, but come out with different conclusions. Although Western culture is a vast improvement over most others when it comes to women, it is still far from ideal. When I was in elementary school, there was a "cute" song we were taught to sing, with the boys taking one part, and the girls the other. The male is asking the female to marry him, offering her all kinds of gifts; "I'll give to you a dress of red, stitched all around with golden thread, if you will marry me". His offer is repeatedly refused, until he offers her all of his money. At that point, she agrees to his proposal. He then says "Ha, ha, ha, the money is all, a woman's love is nothing at all, now I won't marry you". I have often thought about what message my schoolmates were getting from that song. Even the sitcoms of that era usually had a plotting wife, successful at first in outsmarting her husband. At last she is found out, and humiliated. In some shows, like "I Love Lucy", she gets a spanking! When Women's Liberation came along in the late '60s, there were new messages. Women don't need men! Get a career, then you will be fulfilled. A woman walking down a street with children in tow was often accosted with shouts of "breeder!" Several pop songs of the time feature a man or woman telling the other "I Love You", and that ends the relationship! Women were struggling with the question if being female entailed extra warmth and sensitivity, or whether that had been foisted on them by a male dominated society. We just didn't know who we ourselves were, let alone the opposite gender. On the surface, the Torah seems to advocate a paternalistic relationship in the family. But let's look deeper. In the first chapter of Genesis, Man and Woman are created together. In the second chapter, Woman is created from Man's body. On a simple level, Chapter Two is simply going more into detail on the process of creation already spelled out in Chapter One. On another level, we are dealing with the awesome dance of male-female tension, and resolution of that tension. This is the Lilith legend. Chapter One is Adam and Lilith, not Eve. Lilith is independent and refuses to be subservient. Adam is not happy with her, and she runs off and becomes a demon. Eve is then created in Chapter Two, loving, subservient, and obedient. Lilith lies in wait to take revenge on Eve and her children. To this day, amulets with exhortations for Lilith to leave are often hung over the beds of new mothers and their babies. But wait. We read in Isaiah 34:14 "Wildcats will meet hyenas, the goat demon will call to his friends, and there Lilith will lurk and find her resting place.". Although many connect Lilith here not with the legend, but prefer to translate the word as "Owl", or "Night Demon", in kabbalistic literature it actually refers to Lilith. Man will eventually find joy and rest in a strong, independent mate, and they will find a new and better life together. This is also connected to the idea of "a woman of valor is the Crown of her husband" (Proverbs 12:4). Eventually, Man and Woman will not compete, but rather complete each other. In my experience, men can be divided into three categories when it comes to women. Category 1 is men who don't really like women. But they enjoy using...and abusing them for their own physical and emotional needs. Category 2 is men who like women, but can never understand them. They expect women to react like men, but at the same time be satisfied with a situation of relative powerlessness. One man I know, when I see him and ask him how he is, always answers "I don't understand why G-d created women". It's not like he DOESN'T like them, but is frustrated by their actions and emotions, like if one turns on the stove, and it acts like an air conditioner. Category 3 is men who not only like women, but love them enough to find out their needs, and try to fulfill those needs. When the "dance" has been mastered, each knows a joy that they could only have dreamed about before. It is the unity of G-d and the Shechinah; both reflecting, and causing, that unity. Sima says that I am a hopeless romantic. But that is how I see the sacred bond of Jewish marriage. At the same time, if that relationship is betrayed, suffering, guilt, and frustration result. At the moment of physical unity between husband and wife, the Kabbalah urges us to picture ourselves as various attributes of the Divine. The Messianic bliss is to be seen in those moments. Lilith finds repose, and Man finds his crown.