Jewish Marriage part 3

We now enter the wedding hall. The bride is in one room, with all the female guests. She is sitting on a chair that is more like a throne. After all, a bride and groom are to be seen as a queen and king. Her friends are dancing before her,with food and drink available to all...except for the bride (in Ashkenazi tradition) who is fasting. Nearby, the groom is sitting in a nearby room with all the male guests. The mood is serious, almost somber. He is about to make a commitment. The ketubah must be signed. Generally translated "Marriage Contract", it is really a guarantee of security and sensitivity for the bride, more like a 'pre-nup".There is a debate whether this is a Biblical or Rabbinic obligation (both interpretations have solid bases), but an obligation it is. The groom promises the bride to cherish her, provide her with food, clothing, and sexual gratification. Besides that, there are three sums of money in every Ketubah. There is an amount (expressed in silver) that is given as her security, which will be hers upon her husband's death, or in the event of divorce. This will be hers, irrespective of any creditors or heirs. A second amount is an estimation of the value of all the money and possessions she is bringing with her.The groom will accept stewardship over them, which will revert to her in the above circumstances.To this, the groom adds an additional amount, generally at least double the value of what she is bringing. In Ashkenazi tradition, outside of Israel, there are customary, uniform amounts put in. In Sephardic, and Ashkenazi in Israel, dollar amounts are negotiated between the families, and will reflect the economic situation of those concerned. The Sephardic Ketubah is about triple the length of the Ashkenazi ketubah, containing provisions such as the inheritance of their children, which court will adjudicate in the even of a dispute, and a statement of the groom that he takes these obligations fully, renouncing any claims that he agreed to the terms under duress. The rabbis then hands an object, usually a handkerchief, to the groom as a symbolic barter (you take the object, I take all your guarantees, as your bride's agent). The groom lifts the object up, symbolizing acceptance. Two witnesses sign that they have seen the groom agree. In Sepharadic tradition, the groom signs as well. The ketubah will be presented to the bride during the ceremony. (In a few communities, the ketubah is signed just before it is presented to the bride). The groom then walks to where the bride is (in most traditions), accompanied by all the men. The men are singing and dancing, and the women make way for this procession. The groom puts the veil over her face. The primary reason for this is to make sure that it is the right woman, unlike what happened to our father Jacob when Leah was substituted for Rachel. There are also kabbalistic meanings to this ceremony, being the initial physical contact, however mild, between the couple. The rabbis and scholars present then bless the bride ("Our sister, may you be the mother of millions!")The men then accompany the groom to where the wedding will actually take place, amid joyous singing and dancing. Where will the wedding ceremony take place? Why the canopy? that will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 2

There is a lovely story in the Talmud about a Roman matron who asked a rabbi "What has your G-d been doing since Creation?" The Rabbi answered "Making marriages!" The matron said "what?!?! I can do the same!" She took her male and female slaves and assigned them marriage partners. A mass wedding was held. She felt very sure that she was as good as G-d. The next morning, all the newlyweds showed up beaten and bruised. She had to admit that only G-d could make a marriage.
The rabbis tell us that forty days before conception, it is decreed in Heaven whom one will marry. A person unmarried is only half a person.One of the greatest mitzvot is to match up appropriate couples, and to assist with wedding preparations. Everyone has a "zivvug" (a soul mate.)
In modern society, people choose partners based primarily on physical attraction. One famous Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife) said that the average young woman puts more thought into what dress she will buy than whom she will marry. I think we can say the same about men, just substituting a new car for a new dress.
In traditional Jewish circles, pre-arranged marriages were the rule. In the twentieth century, only the most Ultra-Orthodox went this route, but this is making a comeback. Think about it. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. In a pre-arranged marriage, the parents and professional matchmakers will determine if the couple actually has enough in common to be a match. It has been said that when we go on a date, we are not actually meeting the person, but rather their representative. If objective parties can see that two people are suited for each other, all that remains is for the couple to decide if they are attracted to each other. The match (known as a "Shidduch") does not require the people to commit from the beginning. It is like a blind date, but where there are no games. Both parties know that this is about marriage and commitment. From the first date, discussions will be held on the topic "if we get married". Neither side can be forced into the arrangement, and the halachah stipulates that the wishes of parents need not be respected in this area. The divorce rate in the Orthodox community is a tiny fraction of the general rate, although divorce is readily available and not considered a stigma. The Shidduch may be made by a professional matchmaker, or a friend or relative. In my case, the sister of a friend made the match between me and my wife, Sima. Sima was a guest in her home for a Shabbat, whereupon my friend's sister thought that we would make a good couple. Similar personalities, beliefs, goals, signaled a promising chance for a relationship. We dated for three weeks, got engaged, and were married three months later. That was almost 43 years ago, We have had a wonderful marriage, and pray that G-d give us many more years together.
Once the couple has decided to "tie the knot", there are different traditions in different communities as to an engagement celebration. Some do not have one. Some have a party (called a "vort"; a word), where words of Torah are spoken, and good wishes heaped upon the couple. In some communities, there is a ceremony called "tnaiim" (conditions), where a document of commitment to marry is signed, with stipulations made as to who is bringing what to the marriage. The time between the engagement and the marriage is also the time for the bride and groom to study (usually in a class) the laws pertaining to marriage and to sexual relations. These topics are discussed openly, with all the seriousness that needs to be understood for a life long relationship of love and mutual respect. We do not fall in love. We grow in love.
Then the big day arrives. There is no "bachelor party" or similar frivolity. In fact, in Ashkenazic circles, the couple fasts on their wedding day. This has two functions. One is to ensure that they will not become intoxicated and wake up married. The second is based on the rabbinic dictum that G-d forgives all of one's sins on the wedding day. Although the custom of fasting is unknown in other Jewish circles, the wedding day is always seen as a time for reflection and introspection. In Israel, many visit the Kotel (Western Wall) to pray for the success of their marriage. Customarily, the bride and groom do not see each other for several days before the wedding, although this is by no means halachah.. They get to the wedding hall and....That will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 1

In the early '70s, I was the campus rabbi of Ohio State University, in Columbus. Two of the students were getting married in Cleveland. Their family rabbi was doing the wedding, but I was invited. I got a lift with a group of students who were also attending. Seated as I was in the back seat, I failed to notice that the young man driving was, in fact, speeding. Only when the flashing police lights signaled for us to stop, was I aware of the fact. The police, as is not uncommon, wanted to teach these "crazy kids" a lesson, The officers informed us that all the passengers of the car would be put in jail for the night, until we would stand before a judge the following morning. The driver thought fast and said "we are on our way to a wedding, and here is the rabbi". A policeman looked at me and said "You're a rabbi?" "Yes" I replied. "And you're on your way to a wedding?" Again, I responded in the affirmative. It was true. He didn't ask, after all, if I was the rabbi who was performing the wedding. He lifted his eyes to Heaven, and said "Far be it from me to interfere with an act of G-d!" With that he sent us on our way. I was grateful, but his words got me thinking. Is a wedding, from a Torah perspective, an act of G-d? To be sure, WHOM we marry is, according to our sages, ordained by G-d even before we are born. But the act of marriage, is essentially an act of Man. Whereas in most religions, it is the special powers believed to be invested in the clergyman that effects the bond of marriage, In our faith it is the actions of the bride and groom, doing what Torah requires, to make a marriage binding. The rabbi is there not as a priest with special powers, but as the guide through the laws and rituals. In fact, there is a huge problem of young teenagers, with a little bit of knowledge, accidentally getting married! (This is very common in summer camps). Every year, many such young people must go through a Jewish divorce (which I will discuss later in this series), or risk being guilty of adultery when, down the road, they wish to marry someone else.
So, what makes a marriage according to the Torah and halachah? Do all Orthodox Jews have the same laws? Do traditions differ? If so, why? What is the status of a Civil marriage? A Common Law marriage? What rules govern not only weddings, but the state of marriage? What are the obligations of a husband to his wife, and a wife to her husband? The wedding ceremony as it is done today, actually combines two separate ceremonies, which, in ancient times, were performed as much as a year apart. How, and why, did this change? Do Orthodox Jews go on a honeymoon? Why or why not?
These are the topics which I shall discuss in this series.