Jewish Marriage part 14

An old friend of mine, (and former employer) owns a Tefillin store in Jerusalem. When he was a child, he contracted a very invasive form of cancer. It was already stage four by the time it was diagnosed. Doctors held out little hope. There was, however, a slight chance. An experimental treatment was to be tested. His parents agreed to have him take part in the first human trial. It didn't work. Of the 400 children treated, 399 died. Only my friend survived. The doctors called it a miracle. They cautioned, however, that he would never be able to have children. He is now the proud father and grandfather of many! When I worked in his store, frequently people with advanced cancers would come to him for counseling. He would put his work aside, and give these people his full attention, He gave them the feeling that there is always hope; not because he had READ it, but because he had BEEN there.

As I have written before, divorce is sometimes necessary. But media make it seem almost trendy. Anyone who has been through one can tell you that there is hardly a worse nightmare. One newspaper columnist, writing in about 1980, said it best: "The person you have loved and nurtured now wants to eat out your liver!".

I'll get personal here. This is hard for me to write.. But, if some are helped, it will have been worth it.

I had wanted to get married since I was seventeen. I did not meet the "right one" (or so I thought) until I was twenty seven. We were soon married. Everyone thought that we were the ideal couple. It was a happy marriage...for me. She was unhappy. She looked for guidance to a controversial figure, "Rabbi" Shlomo Carlebach, concerning whom I had grave misgivings.(Only after his death did it come out that he was a predator and a serial rapist). She told him that I didn't approve of many things he did. He told her to get out of the marriage. This was less than a week after we learned that she was carrying our child. We were together for four months.

To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I felt that at twenty seven, my life was over. I was alone and frightened. My security and sense of self worth lay in ruins. I was the rabbi of a congregation, and lived all alone in a big house in the country. My sense of failure was colossal. I had searched for ten years. Would it take another ten to find my "zivvug"? Would I EVER find her? On top of this, a rabbi whom I respected had recently written a book of encouragement. It stressed keeping a first marriage together at any cost, as a second marriage is NEVER happy. I was not encouraged.

Ten months later, I was introduced to Sima. It was an unlikely "match". I am a follower of the teachings of Rabbi Nachman, and I was enamored of Sephardic tradition. She was a student of a prominent Lithuanian rabbi. Nearly everyone thought that we were totally wrong for each other. We were married (with many people trying to stop the wedding until the last minute).  Forty two  years later, we are still on our honeymoon. To quote a statement from Sima a few months ago "you know, we have one of the happiest marriages on the planet". I totally agree, and give my thanks to G-d every day.

Why did I need to go through that first unsuccessful marriage? I still bear the scars. But I gained many things. First, it has lead me to a lifelong struggle against cult figures and charlatans. There are many. Several of the "rabbis" on Facebook who solicit funds aren't even Jewish Some live in "gated communities" known as "prisons". I do not remain silent, I speak up. The thought that I mentioned in an earlier post in this series, that each of us has many "soul mates", but with one "complete" match, is true. I have no doubt that Sima is my soul mate. She is my other half, in every way. But from my first marriage came a lovely daughter, now married with two darling children. Is it possible to believe that these aren't the mysteries of G-d? There was a level of my soul that my first wife fulfilled. I also learned not to put too much faith in the Court of Public Opinion. Sima and I knew that we were right for each other, and that feeling is still getting stronger.

Perhaps most importantly, I have BEEN there. For forty two years I have been counseling people who are getting or got a divorce. I KNOW the pain. I counsel people with abandonment issues. I really get it. I counsel people who are without hope, for I KNOW that there is always hope! To quote Rabbi Nachman "Gevalt! (Woe!) There is no giving up!"

My wounds are slow healing. But because of what I have been through, I am helping many to heal their own wounds. What if we all turn adversity around, see where G-d's plan is in all things, and heal the world!

Jewish Marriage part 13

We have seen how Man and Woman are a physical representation of the Divine Mysteries, and their union represents a Unification of the Divine, and actually helps bring about that Unification. Can you imagine how marriages would be if everyone looked at their spouse as part of the Divine Mystery? If everyone looked upon sex as a means of fulfilling the Universe? The kabbalistic texts explain every aspect of human intimacy as reflecting a process above. The embracing, the kissing (the lips represent two of the Sefirot!) as well as the actual act of love are all expounded on in these texts. When one speaks words of love and adoration to one's spouse, we are also saying these words to G-d! I mentioned in my last post that the male represents the letter Vav of the Divine Name. It is clearly emphasized in Kabbalah that it is no coincidence that the male member is shaped like the letter Vav. It is to be remembered that the Brit-the Covenant of Circumcision, is sealed in the male member. Here, we come to a two way street.
We have seen how the love between husband and wife is a most sacred bond, especially at the moment of union. However, we read in the Torah (Genesis 17:1) that when G-d gave the command of circumcision to Abraham, he said "...I am G-d, Shad-dai, walk before Me and be perfect..." The Divine Name Shad-dai, one of ten divine names used in the Torah, literally means "Mighty". But it is interpreted in Midrash as "She-dai" (that is enough). The rabbis of the Talmud say that this is a hint against idolatry; "there is enough in My Divinity for everyone, you need seek no false gods". The Kabbalists understand this in terms of sex as well; "what I have permitted to you and given to you is enough, you mustn't seek illicit pleasure with those whom I have forbade you, or in unsanctified relationships". A payer to G-d is a beautiful thing. That same prayer, directed to a pagan deity, is an abomination. The Name Shad-dai is spiritually inscribed with our circumcision, and is indelible.The Divine Name sits, as it were, at the very point of a man's pleasure, demanding he examine to whom this potentially beautiful act is directed. The holier the act, the more subject it is to profanation. This is the concept of "Shmirat HaBrit" (guarding the Covenant). How much joy and holiness marital relations can bring! How much pain and emptiness do we experience with meaningless "hookups"!
There is a remarkable statement in the Talmud that Jerusalem is the "Gate to Heaven". There is another statement that the entrance to Gehinnom (purgatory) is between two palm trees at the gate of Jerusalem. When coming to holiness, or coming to love, we must choose wisely. Holy and illicit acts may seem like the same thing, but that is illusion.

Jewish Marriage part 12

I have shown in a previous post in this series that Man and Woman were, according to our tradition, created simultaneously, with two bodies, connected at the back. The Biblical narrative of the creation of Woman is understood to mean that they were separated into two separate beings. At marriage, we are quite literally being united with our other half. But let's go deeper.
As I pointed out in my series on Kabbalah, not all Jews accept Kabbalah, and even among those who believe in it, many avoid studying it, even seeing it as "dangerous'. I do not share those views. To me (and to many others) the Kabbalistic understanding of life, and, as we shall see, love, is very fundamental to our everyday understanding of the mystery we call "life". I'm certain that many of those reading this,  might not be comfortable with what I am about to say, but, I believe, I would be remiss in not putting it "out there".
As you may recall, according to Kabbalah, the Essence of G-d (called "Ein Sof", the Infinite) is unknowable, and has no Name. Ein Sof emitted a "ray" which divided into attributes, already present in Ein Sof in an inexplicable way, but now manifest. The Name which is forbidden to pronounce is actually a diagram of the flow of "light" through these attributes, known as Sefirot. The Kabbalistic understanding of Man being in the Image of G-d, is that these same attributes are reflected in Man's soul, his personality, and even in his physical being. (A section of the Zohar which describes the connection of the Sefirot and the human body is to be found in most Sephradic, and some Hasidic, prayer books) That is, we have "Understanding" which reflects, albeit distantly, G-d's attribute of Understanding (Binah). The human heart is a manifestation of Binah as well. When we speak of "the Heart of G-d", we do not mean an organ made of muscle that pumps blood. Yet, that is the paradigm of the human heart, infinitely more refined and exalted than we can imagine. The Kabbalah also speaks of a male/female relationship within the sefirot on several levels, especially between the ninth and tenth sefirot, which are represented in the Divine Name as the letters "Vav" and "Heh". A word of caution here. There were times and places where great errors were made in this, and people understood this in pagan terms of gods and goddesses. This is one reason why some great rabbis rejected Kabbalah. At the other extreme, there are those who say that male and female are merely expressions of "Bestower" and "Bestowee", unconnected to the human meanings of male and female. From the writings of the ARI, it is clear that what really exists is that there are aspects of G-d, manifest in the sefirot, that are reflected in the human soul, psyche, and physiology, much as the heart "represents" the Divine Binah. Therefore, Man and Woman reflect the Vav and the Heh. The Zohar explains how the Vav and Heh of G-d's manifestation became severed, causing the "Exile of the Shechinah" (Divine Presence, Divine Feminine [Nukva]). Through our actions in performing mitzvot, we can reunite the Masculine and Feminine principles. But a great Cosmic yearning exists for reunification. That is reflected in Man's and Woman's deep-seated desire and yearning for each other. The mating of husband and wife both REFLECTS the cosmic drama, and actually BRINGS ABOUT divine Unity. So, when we make love to our spouse, we are participating in something far beyond ourselves. Yet, ironically, this is how we may, at last, find ourselves. What should we be thinking at the time of love making that will transform the physical act into a transcendent mystery? Why can we not accomplish this with random sexual acts, outside of marriage? That will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 11

The physical union of husband and wife is, in Judaism, not a concession, but an affirmation of life. It is an actual requirement on Shabbat. Traditions vary, but it is generally considered an obligation on Rosh Hodesh (New Moon), as well as some holidays. It is also obligatory on the man to please his wife when she indicates that she desires his attention. Except on two days of the year, Yom Kippur and Tish'ah B'Av, when intercourse is forbidden, any other time the couple wishes, it is not only permissible, but a mitzvah. In the Ketubah, as we have seen, the obligation is purely on the man to satisfy his wife. Nevertheless, it is recognized in halachah that a man also has needs. Still, he cannot force her to be intimate against her will. But the Zohar gives a hefty curse to a woman who uses sex as a weapon. A man is required to make a woman feel good about the marital act. If there is any tension between them, it must be dealt with beforehand. Neither may think of other people during intercourse. I plan to go into some of the deeper meditations relating to this in my next post.
The major Biblical restriction on marital relations is during the period of "Nidah" (Menstruation). The Torah forbids intercourse during this time, as well as affectionate acts that might bring one to intercourse. (Leviticus 18:19) The Torah rules for Nidah are to be found in Leviticus 15:19-33.The Oral Torah fills in the gaps. All the rules are far too complex for discussion in this forum. Brides and grooms study these before their marriage for several weeks. I will try to give a brief rundown, with at least some explanation. First of all, it must be stressed, that there is no stigma attached to being Nidah (menstruant). Unlike in some religious traditions, and some Jewish heresies, the wife is not driven out of the home at that time. In fact, she is encouraged to look attractive, without being flirtatious. If we look at all the laws of Tum'ah ("uncleanness"), they all relate to the Birth/Death cycle. The highest degree of tum'ah is a corpse. Second would be a living person who has come in contact with a corpse. Below that are some situations of contact with dead animals (mostly kosher species that have died of themselves, or not undergone proper "shchitah" [Kosher Slaughter]). But we also find tum'ah in connection with childbirth, emission of semen, and certain illnesses. Although the Torah does not explain why these things confer tum'ah, we can understand that we must balance our lives between transcendent, spiritual moments, and dealing with the existential realities of birth, sickness, pain and death. When we touch one extreme, we must prepare ourselves for the other.Torah and Talmudic law have different lengths of time for each type of tum'ah, and different cleansing ceremonies. Many of these are only operative in Temple times, some also now. When menstruation occurs, an ovum, a potential life, has been lost. The body rids itself of the ovum, and readies itself for a chance at producing life once again. After menstruation is over, the woman will immerse either in a natural body of water, or in a specially built pool called a "mikveh". (The Torah merely says "wash her body in water", but the Oral Torah says that all the water in the world is of no avail other than immersion). This may be seen as a reenactment of the birth/death cycle. She "buries" herself in the water, and is ready once again for life; her own, and her children's, as she rises from the water.. The time of physical separation from her husband is over. They are REQUIRED to make love on her mikveh night. The period of separation has brought them to the state of being a bride and groom once more. Even couples who have been married for decades re-experience the "specialness" of the "first time" once again. For technical reasons, the separation is actually longer than the period itself. In Ashkenazic tradition, it is always a minimum of twelve days, with some Sepharadim keeping a few days less. That the physical union of husband and wife is more than merely for the purpose of procreation can readily be seen by the fact that it is encouraged during pregnancy, as well as after menopause.
The recognition of this very deep human need, and its being elevated to the sacred, is, in my opinion, one of the greatest things about Judaism. But WHY is there such a need? Why did G-d create us this way? That will be the subject of my next post.