Jewish Marriage part 7

The couple are now married. The wedding ceremony is over. In Ashkenazic tradition, they have had their first minutes alone in the Yichud room. (Sepharadim, as I have written, do that later or even after the wedding feast has ended.. Some do not do it at all, seeing it as a breach of modesty). The couple walk into the wedding hall and are greeted with ecstatic singing and dancing. Often, the bride and groom are lifted up on chairs by their friends and danced around. Bringing joy to a bride and groom is a great mitzvah. Even distinguished rabbis will get up and dance before them. As, Kabbalistically, the bride represents the "Shechinah"; the presence of G-d (see my posts on Kabbalah where I discuss this concept), special emphasis is placed on her. In many communities, there is a "Mitzvah Tanz" (Mitzvah Dance) in which the most distinguished people present will dance with the bride. Since physical contact is not allowed, a handkerchief  is held with the bride grasping one side, and the various men the other in turn. I have also seen a gartel (prayer belt) used for this purpose. In some communities, the groom also participates in the Mitzvah Tanz with his new bride. In many communities, the young men will not only dance, but perform juggling, somersaults, and even put on humorous skits. The feast is then served, but between courses, as well as after the meal, the dancing and merrymaking resume with no holes barred. Since the bride and groom have been the recipients of special Divine Favor on this day, many people will approach them and ask for a blessing. In fact, many couples pray under the Huppah (just before the ceremony begins) for friends and family who may need something; especially for those who are single that they, too, may soon find their soul mates. (I was at a wedding in 1977 in which I knew the bride. She had me on the "singles list". She also had on that list my future bride, Sima. We met two months later.) At the end of the feast, all gather around a central table. The grace after meals is recited, followed by a repetition of the "Seven Blessings", again divided up between people whom the couple wish to honor. During the seven days of rejoicing, friends and family will prepare smaller feasts. Besides being a way of bringing the couple to joy, this also gives an opportunity for those who could not be accommodated at the wedding to take part in the festivities. (One Hasidic group actually has a rule that given the high cost of making a wedding, no more than forty people may attend. The remaining would-be guests are then invited to "Sheva Brachot" (Seven Blessings) celebrations during the week.) At least one person (in Seharadic tradition, two persons) who were neither at the wedding nor any previous Sheva Brachot for the couple must be present, in order to make the celebration "new". The Seven Blessings are recited at each of these celebrations for an entire week. This is why Orthodox Jews do not go on a honeymoon.
How beautiful to experience all these things! But what of those who don't? From a Torah perspective, what would be the status of civil marriage? Common-law marriage? That will be the topic of my next post.

Jewish Marriage Part 6

We left off at the point where the kiddushin (consecration) has taken place. The bride is now forbidden to every man in the world except the groom, but not yet permitted to him, either. The nissuin will be done now. In order to separate the two ceremonies, the ketubah, stipulating all of the obligations the groom now takes upon himself, is read. In some communities, although it was drawn up earlier, the formal acceptance is done at this point, including the signature of witnesses. The groom hands her the ketubah, which she hands over to her mother for safe keeping. After the wedding, the bride will take it home. In some communities, the bride's Mother keeps it in her home.
Originally, the nissuin ceremony was held at the huppah; the specially built hut where the couple would live for seven days. Seven blessings were recited, after which the couple would enter the hut and consummate their marriage. Later, the ceremony was performed in front of the newlyweds' new home. This was still practiced in some communities into the mid twentieth century; although, to the best of my knowledge, it is no longer the practice anywhere.
The current practice, at least a thousand years old in most communities, is the recitation of the "Seven Blessings", followed by the couple being alone in a room called the "Yichud Room" (Unity, Alone) in which the couple COULD,theoretically, consummate the marriage. Actually,the time will be used for that special first kiss and embrace. (Orthodox Jews avoid any physical contact before marriage). In Ashkenazic circles, in which the couple has been fasting, it is also the time to grab a bite to eat. The Yichud is done immediately after the wedding ceremony. Among Sepharadim, this is considered immodest, and is done discreetly during or after the reception.
The "Seven Blessings" were originally recited by the groom himself. Later, it was instituted that someone else recite the blessings, in order not to embarrass an unlearned groom. In Yemenite circles, the rabbi recited the blessings TOGETHER with the groom. In most communities, the blessings are divided up between honored guests.
The blessings are recited over another cup of wine. The first blessing is the blessing for wine:
Blessed are You, L-rd our G-d, who creates the fruit of the vine. (In a few communities, this blessing is recited last).
The rest of the blessings are as follows:
Blessed are you, L-rd our G-d, who created all for His honor.
Blessed are You, L-rd our G-d, who fashioned Man.
Blessed are You, L-rd our G-d, who fashioned Man in His Image, in His very likeness, and prepared a perpetual mold (i.e., future people are in the likeness of the first man). Blessed are You, L-rd, who fashioned man.
May the barren one (the Land of Israel) rejoice greatly, when her children are gathered into her in joy.Blessed are You, L-rd, who makes Zion rejoice in her children.
Be very happy, beloved friends, as your Creator made you rejoice in the Garden of Eden long ago. Blessed are You, L-rd, who makes the Groom and Bride be happy.
Blessed are You, L-rd our G-d, who created Joy and Gladness, Groom and Bride, (at this point, four different synonyms for "joy" are mentioned) love and Brotherhood, Peace and Friendship. may there speedily be heard, L-rd our G-d, in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of gladness, the voice of joy, the voice of Groom, the voice of Bride, the voice of grooms from their Huppah, and voice of young men at their celebrations. Blessed are you, L-rd, who makes the groom rejoice with the bride.
In most communities, a glass is now broken, so as to remember, even in times of greatest joy, that the Temple is in ruins. The groom steps on the glass, reciting our people's ancient oath "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, may my right hand wither". In a few communities, this is done at an earlier part of the wedding ceremony. These seven blessings will be recited again at the end of the wedding feast, and throughout the seven days of rejoicing.
More about that in my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 5

The groom is escorted to the marriage canopy. He stands under the huppah/canopy, awaiting his bride. The bride enters the area where the wedding is to be held (usually outdoors). The person performing the wedding calls out "Welcome! The bride is beautiful and comely!". The bride then walks to the huppah, usually accompanied by either her parents or the two mothers. In most Ashkenazic communities, the bride circles the groom seven times. There is no known origin for this custom. Many connect it to a Biblical verse that say "The female will surround the male". There are many interpretations. I have even seen a feminist interpretation that it is like the Israelites marching around Jericho until the walls came down. She is trying to break down the walls of ego, so he can allow her "in". Until about twenty years ago, this tradition was only observed in ultra-Orthodox communities, but is today almost universal among Ashkenazim (but unknown in non-Ashkenazic circles). During this time, those present sing very contemplative melodies. There is a beautiful haunting Chabad melody that has been adopted in many circles, even non-hassidic. There is a belief that the couple's ancestors come at this point. In many Hasidic circles, there is also the belief that their community's Rebbes of past generations come as well, in order to bless the bride and groom. 
What few people realize is that our present-day marriage ceremony is really two ceremonies, that were once held as much as a year apart. The first is the kiddushin (consecration) ceremony, sometimes called "Erusin", usually translated "betrothal", but this is a misnomer. The ceremony consists of two blessings being recited; one over wine, a second blessing praises G-d for the institution and laws of marriage, forbidding incest, and permitting to us those consecrated by Huppah and Kiddushin. Bride and groom then sip from the cup. In Sepharadic circles, the rabbi also takes a sip of wine. Then the defining moment happens. The groom produces a ring. (In a few communities, a silver coin, rather than a ring, is used.) Two witnesses come forward. The groom is asked if the ring is his property (as opposed to borrowed). When he responds in the affirmative, the witnesses are asked to estimate if the ring is worth at least a "perutah" (an ancient coin, now worth about three cents.) I never saw a wedding where the answer was no. Actually, any article worth more than a perutah could be used, but the general custom is a ring. No stone should be on the ring, so that no deception could occur. (I thought it was a diamond. I wouldn't have married him had I known it was only quartz).There are different customs regarding the ring. Most people prefer a smooth gold wedding  band, symbolizing a smooth life together. Some even file away the engraved inscription of the number of karats. On the other hand, some, following the Zohar, use a silver ring, round on the inside and square on the outside. Silver, because the word in Hebrew is "kesef" which also means "longing". The unusual shape signifies the two Hebrew letters, samech and (final) mem, which the Talmud indicates stood on the Tablets by a miracle. (The inscription on the tablets went through and through. How did these two letters then stand, seeing as their inner part is surrounded completely, which would leave it hanging in air? They stood by a miracle!) Every marriage stands by miracles! With the witnesses watching, the groom puts the ring on her finger, reciting "Behold! You are consecrated to me by this ring in accordance with the law of Moses and Israel". (technically, if a man gave an article of value to a woman in front of witnesses, while making this statement, that would be efficacious.This often happens in summer camps, with people who have learned a bit of Talmud. It often necessitates a formal divorce. More on that later in this series). At the conclusion of this act, the bride is now married to the groom, in regards to every other man in the world. She is consecrated! But she is not yet permitted to the groom. In ancient times, she now was given the time to buy all her needs for her new married life, and he could build and set up their home. In the meanwhile, they would still live separately, although in some communities they would both live in the bride's home, albeit in separate rooms.This was eventually seen as too risky; both in terms of the couple succumbing to temptation, as well as the possibility of infidelity, which would amount to adultery. Eventually, it was decided to hold the two ceremonies simultaneously. The second ceremony, the Nissuin, is held a few moments later, separated by the reading of the ketubah. That will be my next post.

Jewish Marriage part 4

The groom has now placed the veil on the bride. . It is an incredibly happy time. But can we fully rejoice while there is no Temple, and the world is full of hate and violence? In most communities, ashes are now placed on the groom's head, to remember, even at such a time, the destruction of Jerusalem. At one time, long ago, the groom would have a crown placed on his head. The bride would have a gold ornament with the image of Jerusalem on it. (This was the inspiration of the song "Jerusalem of Gold") The bride was carried to the ceremony in a palanquin. These festivities were discontinued after the fall of Jerusalem. We now remember the verse "To give to the mourners of Zion, glory in place of ashes" (Isaiah 61:3) We wear the ashes, but await the glory. Another institution that was discontinued was the Huppah. The word "Huppah" appears several times in the Bible, and most people assume that it means the canopy that is now used in nearly all Jewish communities. But this is not the case. Until the destruction of Jerusalem, it was the practice to build a special hut where not only was the wedding held, but in which the couple would live for seven days and nights. Friends and relatives would come every day to celebrate with the newlyweds. One of the most beautiful (and romantic!) stories in the Talmud says that when a girl was born, her father would plant a myrtle. When a boy was born, his father would plant a cedar. When they married, the huppah hut was made from the branches of these trees. The Jerusalem Talmud also comments that these huppot were richly decorated with drapes and tapestries. After the destruction, the huppah was merely the house where the new couple would reside, celebrating for seven days. Later, a place of seclusion called the "yichud, or "uniting" room" was set aside at the wedding hall, where the couple can be alone right after the ceremony. This is still practiced. So where did we get the canopy, known today as the huppah, which is virtually the symbol of a Jewish wedding? Many customs (as opposed to laws), began for reasons that have been forgotten, or else overlaid with interpretations that grew larger in the popular consciousness than the original reason. In the middle ages, there were no catering halls. Weddings were generally held at the synagogue. However, in Medieval France and Germany, some rabbis felt that this was not proper, as the wedding is not technically a prayer service. Others disagreed, and this is the view that prevails. But, in the heat of debate, it became customary to hold the ceremony outdoors, so as to avoid the controversy. Ah, but here we have a problem. The Talmud forbids holding a wedding on a public street or in a marketplace, as it seems too haphazard. In order to avoid this problem, the custom came in (mentioned already in 11th century literature) to set up a canopy, usually held up by friends and relatives, to delineate a private, special place. Soon, the custom took on new meanings. A wedding under the stars signified the blessing "Be numerous as the stars in Heaven". The canopy symbolized the new home that was coming into being, as well as a Higher Light that shines on the couple, uniting the two into one. These are all after-the-fact interpretations, but they caught on. The custom spread far and wide, being accepted by Sepharadim a few centuries later, and by Yemenites in the twentieth century. Interestingly, some wedding halls have an indoor huppah with a skylight above, which is opened during the ceremony.
The groom is now led to the canopy, held either by his parents, or else by the two fathers. The bride will come slightly later, accompanied by her parents, or both mothers. What happens next will be my next post.