My Story 11

Within days of my wife's departure from our home, I began receiving phone calls from distant places, from people who had had the same experience. Most were from men, whose wives had left them as a result of their infatuation with Carlebach, but there were also women whose husbands had become his groupies. When these women criticized Carlebach's behavior, he told their husbands to "get out fast". Only after his death, in 1994, did numerous women go public with their horror stories. Many had asked him for spiritual guidance, but, instead found him quickly on top of them. Those who protested, were shown the door, with rude remarks made to them. Some of these women wanted nothing further to do with Judaism. Some even converted to other faiths. But for all of his victims, whether the women (and girls) who were abused, or the men who loved them, the experience caused alienation from the community. First, there were cries of "lashon hara". (As I have pointed out, most of the "lashon hara" arguments are halachically baseless. It is a mitzvah to expose dangerous people). One of my closest friends at that time, upon hearing my story, told me to my face "I don't believe you". My congregation was very supportive of me, but even they could not understand my grief. "You're better off without her! You lost your child? You'll have other children!". I never felt so alone. When I did get back into dating, my being divorced made me almost a leper. Carlebach was too much a part of the American Jewish  scene to be ignored. All those complaining must be crazy...or evil. Parents refused to believe their daughters' stories. Even when the victims were not being persecuted, there was little sensitivity to our pain. We might be deep in prayer, when the congregation will begin belting out a Carlebach tune. No one seemed to be sensitive to our feelings. When my children got married, I insisted that no Carlebach music be played. There were many objections from their spouses. Even when I remarried, I told the band that I wanted no Carlebach music. They were mystified and stunned. "How can you have a wedding with no Shlomo?" My experiences had driven a permanent wedge between me and most of the organized Jewish community. Unlike many, I didn't leave Judaism; but I became an island unto myself. After his death, even many of those who had always opposed him, fell under his spell. It irks me to no end that his tomb in Jerusalem is the object of pilgrimage, even for many ultra-Orthodox Jews. (There is an Arabic proverb: "Many a saint's tomb is painted white, while its occupant is in Hell").  Even his daughter, Neshama, said "I believe the stories, but I refuse to let them define my Father." Too bad countless others had no choice but to have their lives defined by him. Since he often quoted Rabbi Nachman, he is identified in the minds of many as a great leader of Breslov. There is even a "Carlebach Minyan" in Uman during Rosh HaShana. When the Breslov Research Institute published their monumental translation of the Likkutei Moharan, a donor asked that a volume be dedicated to Carlebach's memory. I was called with an apology, but was essentially told that "business is business". I later learned that Carlebach's behavior was not unique. There are many other "Carlebachs" out there, and one needs to exercise caution. My journey had hit a major bump in the road. Wounded, but wiser, I continued.